Thoughtful
by Bluemoon4Sphinx
Summary: Kurda's thoughts as he drifts in the lake of souls, before, when, and after he was pulled out. Slight GavnerxKurda. It's been done. Oh well.


**Amanda: Yes, I know it's been done before. I read the book a long time ago, and wrote it then, and I'm sick of it lying around, glaring at me.**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing except the stories. The characters, setting and basic concept are not mine.

**Warning: **A snippet of slash, but it's hardly anything worth mentioning.

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_Thoughtful_

It's dark in here. Dark and cold and wet. I'm so lonely; please, someone save me. This place is killing me. It's terrible.

My name is Kurda Smahlt.

I don't know how long I've been here. Months, defiantly. Maybe years. It's hard to tell time here; no moon or sun or stars to go by. Just…nothing. Speaking of here, where is here? This can't be paradise. I know I'm dead; I'm so numb and cold. I remember being dropped on the stakes, the pain of the experience. I had never felt anything like it before. I tried so hard to scream, but my voice had left me with the first blow. When the second came… oblivion. No light, no happiness. Nothing. Then, I was here, cold and alone. I must have been damned to earth. This must be what humans call 'hell'.

I remember my life. It's in my mind; elaborately detailed as if it were written out before me. Strangely enough, the first person I remember is always Darren. Darren, who had exposed my treachery. Darren, who had at one point gone through hell and back to make sure I couldn't execute me plan to 'save the race'. Who had both hated me and, I believed, felt my pain. Darren, who was my friend. I felt lower than dirt when he had walked into the hall to announce my treachery, and when he stared at me the way he had. I felt lower when I saw his tears.

The whole room had hated me after that moment. Everyone wanted me dead, and they got their wish. It occurs to me, though, that before my ultimate demise, I might have seen Darren's hand perk up. It must have gone back done, for no one acknowledged him. Had he wished for me to live? Probably not. No one else had. I guess I'll never know, though, in the grade scheme of things. Now that I think of Darren, I start to think of the murder he witnessed. The murder of my best friend, partner, and lover, Gavner. The murder I committed. It hurt me more than anything to kill him, but I had to. The look in those eyes… I never want to see that look again. That horror-struck, heart-broken gaze… I wanted to cry at my own cruel actions. I wanted to fall to my knees and hold him and to beg his corpse for forgiveness. I felt like a monster. I wanted to _die_.

That hadn't been the first time I'd wanted to take an early trip to paradise. All threw the plan, I had wanted to quit, and give up life. I knew I was a traitor. An unfaithful bastard of a vampire. I deserved it. But no, I never gave up! 'It's for the clan.' I'd often tell myself. 'Everyone will be glad I did it later!' So, I lived. A fat lot of good that did in the end. Now they were damned, and this wasn't paradise.

Sounds.

What was that? I just heard the strangest…! Someone's in here! I feel something wrap around me. _Pain! Gods, that hurts! _Pain, _pain-_

All is black.

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…I think, in the end, I did the right thing. After all, Harkat never did anything but help the vampires, while I betrayed them. He deserved to live, not me. I knew I had to die, but that cruel smile on Tiny's face still frightened me. Smirking, he raised his right hand, which was glowing in a bright and strangely menacing red.

"Goodbye, Kurda Smahlt." Red. Just red.

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I'm floating. At least, I think I am. I can't really tell because I'm only half conscious… that is, if dead people could _be_ conscious. I wonder if I'll miss reality. Well, it's to late to turn back now. I think I see paradise. There's a flash of white, then I'm on my knees on a marble floor. I look up, and let out a small, shocked gasp.

"Larten? Arra?… G-Gavner?"  
Gavner smiled softly.

END… of doom!

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**Amanda: IT'S OVER! Yaaayyy, it's finally typed. LOVE ME! Please review. **


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